Listening to: Vulvodynia - Lord of plagues
No, I'm not dead, but I'm on a temporary hiatus due to lack of time and various things, and I need to rant about some things.
This summer hasn't started as the best one, I had to study for final exams so my summer began after July 4th, but before this I've started having serious family issues that still keep going on, I'm not going to explain everything 'cause a lil time wouldn't be enough... and now more issues have come, this time friendship issues, and I'm sick and tired 'cause I've already had them 2-3 years ago. I lost one friend (E.) for a mistake I committed and she didn't even try to understand my point of view even if I wasn't saying she was wrong, I said she was right but she also was wrong on some things, but nothing, the end, and I'm losing another friend (S.) I've known for like 5-6 years for this same thing, apparently for nothing, and it hurts me 'cause she stayed with me in harder times and now it seems like she's dumping me for a thing that isn't even about our friendship but about my friendship with the other girl.
And we've talked for one day about this, but the both of them seem they can't understand what I'm saying, and we're speaking the same language, it worries me...
You know what? I'M DONE.
I'm not a saint, I don't own the truth, but even if guilty I can't stand being blamed for a thing as if I was a killer and being reproached everything for a mistake and being said things like "you never cared for me", 'cause then I get angry, untrue friendships last waaay less than 5 years and I also did a lot of things too so I'm not okay with reproaching.
And E., who thinks she's always right, you know what did very very wrong? She's been brave enough to complain when at the start of March she was free on Sunday and nobody wanted to hang out because my grandpa had passed away on that day, as if people choose the day of their death. I can pass on things about me, but such a lack of respect towards my grandpa is too much and I can't pass on it. But now I'm the wrong one 'cause the other evening the surprise we made for E.'s birthday went bad and this thing started and I yelled at her feeling a very strong anger.
Btw, I'm not running after people anymore and I don't expect anything from people anymore, so who wants to go away can go to fuck off, who wants to stay is welcome.
Sorry for the rant, but I needed to do it, this whole thing hurt me so much it gave me sickness, yesterday afternoon I was barely able to walk and I had my stomach tied in fucking knots, I wonder how I didn't puke after lunch with that sickness, and I'm still so bitter about it.